Today I believe I, via one of my sons, experienced an instance of blatant "Ablism," And it is quite possible that I also experienced my first very personal instance of blatant Racism.
Ironically, I had just yesterday been thinking about blogging on the subject of White Privilege, and how one of its attributes is that we don't know we have it. We Whites, in general, do not like to consider ourselves "prejudiced," much less agents or participants in a social system that is framed by Whites', somehow, being privileged. No matter how much I may think, "I don't want to be privileged," or, "I didn't set up things this way, so why am I being accused of being part of it!" White Privilege exists, just the way that other privileges exist. Those privileges may be partially "on purpose," propagated by those we consider out-and-out "racists," or they may exist as a part of the societal air we breathe every day, contributed to unknowingly by all of us, just as we breath in oxygen and breath out CO2 throughout each day without even thinking about it.
One of our adopted sons, Trevin, had a father who was African-American and a mother of European descent. Trevin's skin is brown enough for the average observer to know one of his parents was black.
Trevin is also "disabled." ( I like the phrase "differently-abled.") He is 11, and is 2 grades "behind" in school, and also acts much younger than a typical 11-year-old. We love him. He has great gifts of movement, drama, athleticism, insight, and tenderness-of-heart. Trevin is a great kid!!!
Trevin had been playing, unsupervised, with the 5 year old girl next door. Innocent play. Nothing bad. Nothing "dangerous."
Trevin was hastily shooed off to his own yard by Todd, the girl's father. "You have to leave! Go home!" And with that, the Dad threw the large frisbee-like disc back into our yard. Trevin didn't even know what to think. My wife caught the event while looking out our window, and told me about it.
So, being the concerned Dad (Nobody is going to tangle with MY kid!!!!), as well as an advocate against Ablism, I went over to ask the Dad what was going on.
"What is he, 12 years old?" he barked.
"He's 11." "He has delays." I said.
"I see that," said the Dad.
I then proceeded to tell the man that Trevin came from a very difficult background and that his Dad was extremely harsh with him. "So try to be gentle with him," I said.
"Whereever he comes from, I don't think it is appropriate that he play with my daughter unsupervised!" "He's 11 and she is 5. Do you think that is appropriate?"
"What is there that bothers you about him? Why do you feel he is a threat somehow?" I asked.
"I don't want my daughter to act the way he acts."
"What do you mean, his tantrums?"
"I don't want her to learn how to act the way he acts." And with that he went into his house, and I had to tell both my younger sons that they could no longer go over there to play with his daughter "unsupervised." (My older, 13-year-old, comes over often to play with their cat, but he looks younger, and also looks White, though he is part African-American too. But we have never had such an outburst from Todd when that son was playing on his sidewalk!)
So, at first, I think that the Dad's weird reaction to our son is related to Trevin's differing abilities. But then I realize it might be more than that. Am I reading into this? The man is from South Carolina. He doesn't want Trevin's "ways of acting" influencing his daughter. He made that clear!
On the way back to our porch I yelled out, "Well, she is going to have to learn how to relate to different people!"
A few minutes later, I wanted in the worst way to knock on his door and ask him point blank: "Is it because Trevin is part Black? But I thought better of it, because this guy seems a bit unstable anyway, and I didn't want an escalation I couldn't handle. Besides, this is enough to get any parent's blood boiling, and any hot-headedness on my part would not have contributed soundly to the situation. (Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow.)
Was that racism? I'm not sure. Trevin was sure treated differently by this guy. What was he perceiving? When he said it was "inappropriate" for Trevin to be playing with his daughter, was he implying that Trevin would try something sexually inappropriate with her? Where would he get that from? Trevin obviously acts much younger than his age, and, up to this point, there has been no sign of his acting out in any such ways.
But then, as I began to mull this over, I thought, "Is this what people of color go through?" "They may not want to think that "everyone" is a racist, but, somehow, they have to "decode" the strange ways that we Whites relate to them differently than seems normal. We may not even know we are treating someone differently. As I said at the start of this blog, we may not even know that we are privileged and the ways in which we experience privilege as part of our everyday lives.
Once I found myself ignoring a Black colleague in a lunch line, as I was offering my White peers a plate and silverware. Ironically, the seminar was about discovering our hidden biases as classroom teachers, and avoiding them. When she waved to me, cheerfully calling me on it, I was awkward and ashamed. "How could I be so blind as to not "see" her, and not even know it?" I wondered.
But that is my point about White Privilege: We don't even know when we are experiencing it or treating someone differently because of it, because it is such a part of our lives. That may not be "my fault," in the sense that I set it up, but I still am accountable, I feel, to be aware of it and how it may affect my relationships with others.
I know some things about Racism that I have generalized from my own experience being on the receiving end of both Classism and Ablism. (The "isms" are ways that people relate to those in a group not based on knowledge of them as individuals, but based on erroneous assumptions about them as perceived members of those groups.) Up to this point, I felt that, as a White, I will never "know" the feeling of racism against African-Americans, in the same way I, as a man, will never truly know the vulnerability and unsafeness that women feel when men are constantly "looking them over," as is the norm in our society.
But today, I realized, naively, that I will, indeed, experience Racism, through experiences and treatments my son will receive. Should I give him "the talk" about not wearing hoodies and being "extra respectful" when relating to the men in blue?
This makes me sad. This makes me mad! It turns my stomach and makes me ache a little inside.
Hmm--I think I am going to have the "privilege" of knowing more about what Racism feels like!
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